Lucinda arrived last night, long after midnight, just as we had almost given up on her and were about to drag ourselves away from the Scrabble board and off to bed.
Having turned down Mrs O’s very generous offer to collect her from the airport, Lucinda contrived to take more than nine hours to make the 80km trip via train and taxi. This does not augur well for Admirable Productions, given that she is supposed to be the business brain in our new partnership.
Clearly drunk on arrival, Luce made great play of “bearing gifts”. This morning, however, as she lay snoring like Hogzilla, I went through her luggage and her largesse appears to extend no further than a litre bottle of Bombay Sapphire (for her personal consumption over the next week) and an extremely dog-earred copy of last week’s Broadcast magazine. (She has also, incidentally, brought an improbably large quantity of lingerie in a variety of sizes and colours! Ye gods. Who or what is she planning to pull?)
Who should I see staring back at me from just below the masthead but Hen Con, looking like Skeletor's daughter run amok in a cosmetics store. Either Broadcast had blown its entire photography budget on airbrushing this single photo or its subject had spent the best part of a day in make-up, because dear Henrietta looked not a day over 32, apart from her neck which looked about a fortnight shy of fifty.
The accompanying profile was so gushing, I nearly yakked last night’s roasted vegetables back onto the patio (when did Broadcast turn into the TV industry’s equivalent of Hello! Magazine btw?). The Queen of Queensway (or was that Sebastian?) was described as having ‘legendary people skills’, but these don’t extend apparently to wasting time maintaining relations with people that are no longer useful to her (try finding yours truly on her Twitter list!). She may well be a “world class schmoozer” but she has sometimes flirted with the lower leagues as a producer (Sofa Melt, anyone?).
If those lickspittles at Broadcast wish to regain an ounce of credibility, I suggest the next time this painted lady submits herself for interview they restrict themselves to a single question.
So Ms Conrad, what first attracted you to the multi-millionaire, Liz Murdoch?
Ooh, you're good. You're VERY good. More please!
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